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( 1:45 AM ) I'm exhausted, in pain, and can't sleep. I should be posting on the "family-friendly" site, but right now I hurt so bad there is no way I can. This is hurt is more than physical pain from my injured knee. I feel wounded to my very core. How is it possible that a being, I chose to allow life, nuture, and given ALL I could up to this very second turn out to be such a... heck, I can't even think of the word... creature? I won't go in to all the details (I'm to hurt and drained) but her behavoir is more than teenage hormones as far as I am concerned at this moment. As her mother I guess any other time she has turned into a "creature" the mommy gene kicks in and all is forgotten or forgiven. Or maybe it's because I catch a glimpse of my baby girl. Or she acts amazingly like someone that actually loves me so that any pain inflicted is erased. Not this time. I have had it. AND yes I have I said I have had it before, but my frame of mind is so different right now. I have had terrible knee pain since April. Due to circumstances at my job I was not able to pursue the exact cause until this last month or two. So I have asked her to do more than her share around here, especially as the pain progressed to the point where now I can barely walk even with the aid of a walker. I am having surgery Thursday morning to repair it. Now it's not a total knee replacement, it's the scopy kind and outpatient. It will still be done at a hospital though due to me being diabetic (and fat, probably has something to do with it as well) Which makes me feel alot better as I have really bad "white coat" phobia. I have fought off so many panic attacks in the last month I have lost count. All the tests have been done.(x-rays, MRI, pre-op exam, CBC, huge vials of blood sucked out of my veins, etc... ) I had to do another stress test, even though my GP said my EKG was fine, the Heart Doc (remember 2 years ago when I had to do the treadmill stress test) wanted me to have another one. Only this time I couldn't walk, let alone run on the treadmill, so I had the kind where they inject you with some foreign substance so you glow in all the right places. The test it self was not so bad, but the ordeal to get to the actual 4 minute "stress" part of it was. For the sake of my fingers cramping typing all of the details right now, just know that "they" provided plenty of stress. My ride to and from is confirmed as of yesterday which has lighted my level of "OMG I Don't want to do this and I want my mommy". A girlfriend is going with me since my mom is having her own health issues to deal with. My Mom is having another surgery on her knee around 11 am today to put her knee cap back where it belongs. This was discovered a month after her knee replacement. I have tried to be "adult" and "the parent" so any fears I have about this surgery does not stress out the "creature". I have apparently done a great job. Oh and I am also in the process of refinancing the farm. Mainly so I can get the rest of the property taxes paid off. The county has been great about my making payments. The school district wants ALL their money now or off we go to a tax sale to pay them. That is not going to happen as this farm is my "retirement nest egg". Rant ahead.... Tonight all the "creature" had to do was straighten up, vaccum, do a few dishes, wipe up the counters, sweep the kitchen floor, and finish cleaning out the bathtub (she rinsed it then sprinkled Comet all over it on Sunday) so the house would be ready for the appraiser to come in. Probably an hour, hour and a half tops for an able bodied teenager. There is no way I could do it all in a week. I went to bed. I wake up at 1 am. Not done!!! She took out the garbage and filled the sink with water, put the dishes in it, and wiped off the stove. Nothing else done!! So I woke her up. Big Fight!! Living room is now straigtened and vaccumed. In between her going back to bed twice, it was still done in 30 minutes. The rest is left for me to do since appraiser is coming either this afternoon or Wednesday afternoon and she works tonight. Now this was not the main cause of the "I have had it", just the final straw! Oh yeah and during her hissy fit cleaning she spats "I suppose this means I am not getting my class ring, tomorrow?" Amazing how she remembers then to ask about the $60 deposit check she needs today! Me, the money tree, who hasn't worked more than 5 hours since August 24th. I wanted to tell her to count out her tip money and pay for it that way... $60 worth of dimes, nickels , and quarters. Earlier when we were going over the time of my surgery, about what time I would be home, and cooridinating our times, as she has an away football game that night and will not be home until 11-11:30 pm. I should be home by 4, they leave the school around 6pm... I ask if she wants to call home then to see if I am home and okay or does she want my cell phone... she says" Mom, I will be too busy to call or get a call." WHAT??? I am having surgery and you don't even give a damn to see how I made it though and if I am home? Fine, so I guess if I am not home when you get home at 11:30pm you will know I am either in the hospital or the morgue. And that is still just the tip of the "it's all about me teenage attitude" she has had the last few weeks. Sunday, she was moving out, as soon as the house was clean, because that is all I cared about. Of course as the day went on she was waiting until summer to move out. Summer? Summer 2007, after graduation. No,duh! There is more, way more. But in the last few weeks I see how much of a self centered "creature" she truly is. This realization on the heels of thinking she was going to "turn out" all right. So later today as I draft out a will, the creature is getting nothing from the sale of the farm and my estate. It will all go to her biological children when they each turn 21, providing they have graduated high school and are enrolled or graduated from a accredited place of higher education. No children... no money. Maybe doberman rescue. However, since I plan on breezing through this surgery I am plotting my escape to a tropical beach to paint and write during my retirement years. With no forwarding address. Early retirement. Very early. As soon as she graduates or moves out. Which ever comes first. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks. I feel better now. # :: Your turn to A Muse Me ( 7:08 PM ) Yes, I'm still alive and actually posting on a fairly regular basis. All on my blogroll should have received an email with link to my Old/New site. Anyone I forgot let me know and I'll send you the link. I will probably be posting some on this blog over the next few weeks. Starting a new medication made from the saliva or poison of the Gila monster. I don't want to post any rants or raves I may have over there. Still not to sure who all is reading it. Family and friends, yes... but Ex inlaws and people from work Know about it as well. SO... all those posts will go here. Anybody talked to Tam, lately? I lost her phone # when I was cleaning/stashing stuff before my Mom came in June. # :: Your turn to A Muse Me ( 12:31 PM ) Still here... and blogging, just not on this site. I set up a family-friendly site along time ago just didn't do a whole lot with it. Well, now I am. Moved over the "original reads" from my blogroll. I'll send email for new link. Added a site for my Art as well. Which is in it's very beginning stages. But since the "job" situation I have had to get serious about selling something. Is Aurora finished then? No, I love the anonymity of using "her" voice. But this site will probably only be used for rants and stuff I don't want my mom to rag on me about. If I know you, as in know you from blogging and I didn't send you new links email me aurorasmusings(at)aol.com and a link to your blog. Good Grief, I haven't kept up this site in ages... so why do I feel like crying? # :: Your turn to A Muse Me Southern Wench Update I called yesterday and talked with "the man" as she was napping. Surgery went well. She slept in recliner for awhile but is able to lay down now and even sleep on her side. She has some pain in her hip. He said he has to keep reminding her to take it easy as she is wanting to do to much to soon. Check-up in 3 weeks.Southern Wench Update # :: Your turn to A Muse Me ( 10:00 PM ) 
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Your turn to A Muse Me
( 8:30 AM ) Finally... There ought to be a law that when someone is waiting for test results that the Doctor can't go "out of town". The enlarged nodule in the upper left lobe that started all this... must have been a shadow. MUST HAVE BEEN A SHADOW ... 12.9 x 7.6 nodule must have been a shadow. Sorry, Doc but I am a great believer in the power of prayer and I had many, many people praying for that "thing" to disappear. Thank GOD!!! Other stuff that showed up was a nodule in right lobe but he said that looked fine, nice and round and old... probably from having pneumonia years ago. And a little bitty cyst looking something in a kidney... again nothing to be concerned about. But I will have another CT Scan in August or September just to "keep an eye on this". Other going ons... knee still hurts, still using a cane, today kiddo is sick. On the job front... Compensation has changed for all of us there. I am out $1000 a month. That's right I didn't do a typo. Although I should be able to make up $400 in commission. So technically out about $600. And that is all I am going to say about that as any will be fired if they "talk negatively" about implemented changes. So just think about what Kat might say about this and mutiply what I am thinking by a 1000. On the home front... I did rent out the lower barn and big pasture so that will help make up what I am losing so instead of paying down property taxes and saving for a better truck or at least saving enough to fix the truck's air conditioner ($1000) we will we be furiously treading water as always. Plus the kiddo now has a job and the plan is for her to be paying for her own stuff and color guard. (her job was "school" but she has chosen to fail 2 classes this past 6 weeks which caused her to stay home from band trip which cost me $450... Reason for failing? Not turning in homework) So now she can "see" what it is like to work to pay for the things you need or want to do. Her job and barn rented happened before "the news" at work so at least I didn't faint when he told me. But speaking of job I have to head that way. Y'all have a good one and thanks for the prayers. # :: Your turn to A Muse Me |
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~Don't Worry, Be Happy~
::General musings from a mom of a teenager,an artist in transition,a wantabe writer who hates typing:: READ ME Atom Feed Aurora's Haven My Religion My Photos Silly Stuff  Currently Reading: Black Wind by Clive Cussler with Dirk Cussler Last Read: Golden Buddha by Clive Cussler and Lost City by Clive Cussler Last Reads Before That: In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner and Good In Bed by Jennifer Weiner Next Reads: Orgasms for Dummies (kidding! just seeing if anyone reads this stuff) Listening To: windchimes on patio On the Telly: The MASTERS on CBS 
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